"Hell no, someone cuts something off my d*ck, it better be for vengance!"

Romance and Cigarettes - a star studded film: James Gandolfini, Susan Sarandon, Kate Winslet, Christopher Walken, Mary Louise Parker, Mandy Moore and Steve Buscemi.

This film is simple enough: man is married with three daughters. He cheats on his wife and she finds out and kicks him out. Basic story, with the only added twist with his remorse is the discovery that he has lung cancer.

I wanted to like this film. So many stars. But alas, it was not meant to be. I couldn't get over the fact that Mary Louise Parker was James Gandolfini and Susan Sarandon's child. Didn't buy it. I couldn't understand half of what Kate Winslet said. And the main reason this film did not succeed for me was the fact that characters burst into song accompanied by backup dancers and it isn't the fact that there was song BUT the fact that the songs the characters sing are modern songs AND the actual song is played. So you are watching the film prepared to cringe a little at some poor vocal talent but what the hey, let's give it a go - but then you don't even hear them singing.

Overall, the film just wasn't that good. No need to rent this unless you feel the need to support John Tuturro and if you love Christopher Walken - but you may need to fastforward A LOT to find bits that amuse.

Come back with your shield, or on it.

300 - another movie based on a Frank Miller graphic novel. I didn't recognize any of the actors in this film - so I'm going to say no known stars.

This film is about the Spartans. The film begins with the birth of the king. He is checked to ensure his perfection. He is. The story continues following King Leonidas' development as he is schooled in the ways of the Spartan. He is schooled in violence and released into the wild where he shows his strength by defeating a wolf using not only his brawn but also his intelligence. The film then fast forwards the present where King Leonidas is an adult with a wife and child. The Persians arrive and demand the Spartan's surrender. Spartans do not surrender. King Leonidas takes 300 men to hold Thermopylae a gate way from the advancing Persian King Xerxes and his massive army.

The movie is divided between the 300 fighting Spartans and the Spartans who remain. More pointedly, Queen Gorgo who is caught amongst conspirators and her love of her husband and desire to send more Spartan soldiers to aid the 300.

I LOVED this movie. I was so pleasantly surprised. I didn't think I would. It was dark and bloody. But it was also funny and battles were depicted and fought the way I would fight. Yes, slice off the arm with the sword - it cannot hurt you. Slice off the legs - the man cannot follow you. Oh, it was glorious. And funny, gallows humor and regular humor. I highly recommend this film. Of course you have to take into account my enjoyment of the violence and hot men in underwear and capes. Yummy. I think this is an excellent film.

Tea can do many things, Jane, but it can't bring back the dead.

Death at a Funeral - an English film starring two imports - Alan Tudyk and Peter Dinklage.

As the title suggests, the film depicts a family gathering to attend a funeral. There are two brothers - one a successful novelist living in New York. The other, Daniel, is married and left to care for his own widowed mother. In attendance are a pair of cousins - a brother, Troy, and sister, Martha. He is a chemist and she is newly engaged. The family gathers for the funeral.

Everything falls apart. In order to calm her finance down Martha gives him what she thinks is a Valium. It in fact is hallucinogenic causes her finance, who is not liked by her father, to freak out. Meanwhile there is a rivalry that is simmering between the two brothers. And a bomb is dropped, figuratively, a man attends the funeral and lets it be known that he was the lover of the deceased man. Panic, blackmail, and anger ensue.

Overall an entertaining film. Not as funny as I thought it would be but as I said entertaining. Alan Tudyk is hilarious as he strives to act normal while seeing hallucinations. There were certainly some humorous scenes, it took place during the course of one day (my favorite kind of film), and depicts family at its finest. I would say catch this on tv.

"If you don't let me, I'll never learn." "But if I let you, you might not live."

Dan In Real Life - starring Steve Carell, Juliet Binoche, Alison Pill, Dianne Weist, John Mahoney, and Dane Cook.

A widower and sportswriter, Dan Burns, has three daughters. He takes his family on an annual trek to his parents' homestead where he is reunited with his three brothers and sister, along with their own families. The Burns family comes together to assist in the packing up of the grandparents home. Dan while in town meets a lovely woman, Marie, in a bookstore. He is smitten and the two talk in depth. At their parting, he discovers she is in a relationship. Dan returns to the house, informs his family that he met someone in town only to be introduced to Marie, as his brother's new girlfriend.

Dan must deal with his growing attraction to her as his family and brother all fall in love with her as well. He juggles the struggle of letting his daughters grow up and his own loneliness.

I enjoyed this movie - it was funny, painful, sweet, and real. It is funny because it reminded me of the film Pieces of April, and it turns out that both films were directed by the same guy - Peter Hedges. This is a great family drama. Dan is surrounded by his family - nephews, nieces, and in laws. The film invokes the closeness, laughter, and stress of a real family. I think this is a film that is well worth a view. Rent it, who cares if it is somewhat predictable, it is still a delight.